Supposed To Be

I’m afraid that I would tell him too much
about me

And you’re not the first to tell me that
okay, you’re the second
but now I’m starting to think
that on some levels
this might be a good idea

He called me when he got back in last night
he must have only been home for five minutes
and he’s either honest he misses me
or something

or he thought of me
or he was bored
I don’t know

I need to be pushing that line a little farther
far enough to still be safe
but far enough to still be a risk
I gave him an idea; he said we’d talk about it
when he called me today
well, he hasn’t called me yet

Yes, I know he loves me
and yes, I know he has
thought about marrying me
but there is no ring in my finger

Who knows this will all work
but the idea is there
and well, that’s something

Maybe you were right
that I should take my time
but I’m an impatient girl
and I want the answers yesterday

maybe life won’t be on my terms
and maybe I’ll have to get used to that

All The Details

- this is what I go through -

    I wonder if it’s just easier sometimes to think that you didn’t die, that you were just ignoring me. Would it be easier then? Would I think that maybe you’re somewhere missing me, feeling that hole in your heart where a relationship with me would go? Is it that way it’s supposed to be done? I know that if you were alive you’d still want to call me, and you still would expect something out of me. And that always bothered me then, but I miss it now. I want to be able to talk to you, to pass the time with you, to know that you’re there to listen

    Maybe if you were alive somewhere I could just be angry with you. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel bad, maybe I wouldn’t miss you. Maybe then I wouldn’t want you near me, to make me laugh, or just to let me scream out loud, when I needed to let out a good yell

Maybe you are somewhere, listening. That’s a nice way to think about it. Maybe you know that I cared about you, and still do, maybe you know it hurt me when you were gone. It hurts me still. Maybe you’re somewhere, just waiting to fill me in on all the details I’ve been lacking, all the details I’ve been wanting to know

    Maybe I should havegone to your funeral, maybe I should have seen your body, maybe I could have seen the color of your skin or the needle marks near your lips they used to put your mouth together. Maybe I needed to see these things

    But I don’t know if I was ready. I still don’t know if I am ready. Maybe I wouldn’t have so much to say to you, maybe I wouldn’t expect you to come back. Maybe then I wouldn’t want to touch your face and feel your skin. Maybe it would be easier that way

    Over the years there are so many things that I have thought about. I always wonder if other people think the way I do. But with everything that has happened to me this year I did think of you, really

    I wondered what it was like for you to be in pain, if you thought it was the end for you, if you knew what was going on. I got one of your earrings yesterday I think it was the last one you wore and when I heard someone still had it i wanted it. I wanted to have something to remember you by other than these damn memories. We should have had more memories together you know. Maybe it’s better this way; that’s what I keep telling myself. I have to keep telling myself things, you know, to keep me sane. But if everyone is right and you know my thoughts then I suppose you know what I go through. When all you’ve got are memories don’t you have to fill your time with something?

    When I needed to talk to you, I called. Or you called me instead. It was almost like I had a little brother there, who was always willing to listen to me, who was always wanting to put up with me. My question to you is this: were you always willing to put up with me? Did you think things would end this way?

    Just so you know, wherever you are, that I am thinking about you

    I always thought you’d be around. I thought, even when you aggravated me, that you would always be there for me. Now I just have to be there for myself. I wonder how lonely people get, if they lose someone they were close to, do they feel like a piece of them is missing too?

Are The Things That I Like

Maybe we never shared any of those moments together
Maybe I just need to think of moments with you
That we never really shared

I have only seen you remotely
I have never known how to approach you
I have always thought that I did not want to act conspicuous

But I have to admit, what I have seen of you
I have to admit that I like it
There are parts about you that are quirky, but I think that is okay

It is the things about you that no one else likes
And those are the things that I like
I have seen how much you care about your work

And I like how you think about a lot of things
And if your quirks are a part of a large, strange package
Then I will take it

I like your height and your physique and
I like how intelligent you are and I like the fact
That you are partially color blind because you know

I like to think that there are some things about you
That are not perfect
because then you will have an excuse to claim that well, you are human

I would like to think that you are human
I would like to think that you are real because I know
That I am real and this could be a link for me

This could be something that would help me to prove in my own head
that I am not the only one
and that there is someone out there like me too

You Know What I’m Talking About

and maybe I could tell you
that I have gone through a lot too
and maybe we could find consolation in each other
provide relief

maybe you would talk to me
and say things that you could not tell anyone
well, at least not in open places

well, maybe you know what i am talking about
I have been looking for things
and maybe, just maybe you are looking for things too

maybe something out of life
maybe some comic relief, some attention
maybe I could be that for you
maybe you could be that for me

Enough So Far

hasn’t it been tough enough so far?

when you’re so used to
not getting the truth from anyone
well, honesty is nice

and I know that when I started to tell you
about what I thought might happen
with me and hin
you kept saying he is a lucky guy

well, does he understand that yet

and if he thinks everything is great
because he has me in his life
well, is everything great
does he feel like anything is enough some of the time

I just want to know
if he feels the kind of love
that I feel for him
that it is a kind of love
that doesn’t go away

I want to know if I should have hope
when you talk, you give me reason to have hope

and I don’t know if I should
but now I’ll take whatever I can get

Get Me Through My Life

and well, i did not know what else to say
and so i did the same

it is strange to be in a place you have not been to before
because i think that is when i see something familiar
and then see something different

it is at times like that
when i try to come up with stories in my head
to get me through the days and get me through my life

so yes, i think of you
sometimes
at times like this

I Know It’s Not Going To Happen

I know some these things are not going to happen
but I can fantasize about it
every once in a while

because I am here
I have the time here to think about it
I can think about you, how you liked me
and I can think about how strong you were
and I can think that you could have been
a good challenge for me

that you would have put limits on me
that you would not have let me
do whatever I want
and maybe that would have been good for me

and I think about how mice it would be
just to hear that you still like me, even after a decade
and I know I should never have let your down
and I know I should never have
looked for someone else
well, for that I am still paying

and I do not know if you are married now
or if you ever got married and now you are divorced
I would like to think of it that way, you know

I suppose you could be single
but I assume that some woman
would have swept you away by now
and someone would have taken you away
from the rest of the women out there
including me

That Adorable Together

and now that i live here and see the places
i used to frequent
i think of all the bad things that have happened to me
bad things here, bad things there

well, sometimes, when i think of the things
that could go wrong in life
i oddly enough still come to you in my head

i think of all the nice things you used to do for me
i think of the way you used to be so good to me

maybe at the time you didn’t know any better
and maybe at the time i didn’t know either

still looking back i think about
how cute you were and how nice you were

i wasn’t looking for the football player type
and you just happened to be that adorable
and i still knew that you were a good guy
and you were worth it
yes, i made you suffer, never meaning to

my friend andy in school called you mister superman
because he never saw you
and he knew you were a football player

i still have photos of you, ones i used to keep in my wallet
because i was not willing to let go of every image of you
well, not that fast, that is

you met me and ellen at a hotel in champaign illinois
i was able to use the excuse “i need to see the town
before i decide to go there for school” routine
it was just an opportunity to see you
and i don’t know if we were too
cutesy around each other
i don’t know if we were that adorable together

there are so many stories i could tell about you
about how smart you were, how strong you were
after all this passed time
it’s not necessary to tell these stories out loud again
i know these stories
and i want them remembered
and i want someone to share them with me

And It’s Wide

but this one bath tub
it’s deep and it’s wide
for just a few minutes in the day
you close yourself off to the rest of the world

sometimes you just need someone around
to remind you of the good stuff
because sometimes the good stuff
is worth thinking about

better

some people always had the better cars
with the nice red stripe down the side
or maybe better shoes or better clothes or a better date
doesn’t it just suck how people can be the biggest jerks in their
day to day life to people they don’t even know
isn’t it funny how these people are invariably the ones
who have the money from the parents or they marry people with money
and their life is spent in this plush heaven

And then there’s you or me, someone who has always tried to do well
and they never have enough money or they have right clothes
or the wrong kind of car
I guess some people just have a run of bad luck and there
is one kid who tries to make it all better but just can’t do it.

I don’t know, maybe it’s how you were raised that
will show what you look like, what you need, what you want
that makes all the difference
maybe that makes it better

But I Won’t

but the view is higher and you feel that
no one could hurt you
if they hit you with their car
they’ll get more damage than you will

how it handles the road
if you ever got a chance to drive one
just for a bit, well, do it then
so you can say you have

there are many things you want to accomplish
jumping our of an airplane might be an example
my philosophy is
if you get the chance to do something, do it
take that chance
because you don’t know how many chances you’ll get

But It Is Cute

survival of the fittest, I suppose

every once in a while a big fish makes his move
he watches the little fish eat
then he moves quickly, tries to eat a little fish

every once in a while a little fish
in trying to escape ends up at the side of the lake
out of the water
flopping around
when I see that I think,
wait, and see if that little fish
flops his way back into the water
which he does

survival of the fittest, I suppose

you can call this divine intervention
that the little fish was smart enough
to get back into the water
maybe the fish was just flopping around
until it was able to breathe again
but it is cute
cruel, but cute

But You Know What I Mean

Deal With That Over The Years

and yes, I know I am a tall girl
but I never thought that you were too short
and I never thought you were not adorable
In fact, I thought that I liked you
and I thought maybe you liked me too
and no, I never thought about your height

don’t need the crutches

you have to remember that when actors and actresses
who do it on television, they and the directors have no
idea how to get it done.
this is the world and sometimes you have to survive
everything that is thrown in your direction.

it is important to understand that I don’t need the crutches
it is true, I don’t need you, and I can get along fine without you

three months later
do I feel any different
Should the world be now revolving at a different pace
was everyone just used to the change of the earth’s speed
when it changed? was everyone just used to the world
when it started to feel this way?

or is it just me, feeling the change,
is it just me, thinking that things are different

people go through life with a lack of emotion, feeling, thought
I have never been asked to function that way
I have never been able to just let life go by.

do you know these metaphors

Maybe life is storming away and if you happen to be in the path
life doesn’t know where it is going when it is just trying to leave
even if it never comes to get you, you have to be ready for that
potential problem, just in case. just in case it happens

Each Morning

Feel So Much

to say that you don’t care any more
is killing a part of yourself
I’ve been doing that for years
am I dead yet
does it seem cruel to want to kill a part of yourself
maybe
but does it seem cruel to feel so much

First

would people like that
ever get to that place
I wonder why I’ll let get to
that point, right before that moment
when you think you’re going to fall.

Get To That Point

I know what my limits are, I know them well
struggle with these limits all the time
I’ve learned what other people’s limits are, too
and they’re always different from mine
they’re different from my values

how do people get to that point
where they don’t care about their life any more
did they learn that too?

when I see someone in a car cut somebody else off
I think, how do they get to the point
where they think that it’s okay?

maybe I worry too much
maybe everyone else doesn’t worry enough
how do you make that line for yourself?

and that’s where my dilemma is
I don’t know how to get to that point

Getting Used To Something New

It is just a theory

I guess it is just a matter of
getting used to something new

It has been years
since I was in the park
in Florida and I had to drive a golf cart

Maybe it is just a matter of getting used
used to something new.

Given A Warning Early On

what you want to save may write over
something you’ll want in the future

i can’t see any of my files
and I can’t solve any of my problems
and I don’t know what my choices are

I wish instructions for life were on note cards
like a computer program you’ve never used

the decisions you’d have to make
wouldn’t seem so daunting
when you’re given a warning early on

Going To A Rock Concert

and everyone that was there
was ten to twenty years younger than me
unless of course, they were going with a parent
and when David Gahan would turn around on stage
all the girls would scream
and that’s when I realized how old I was

was I that way when I was ten years younger?
Do I want to see this guy’s butt?
maybe I don’t
performers like that make moves like that
to make all the little girls scream

what were the little girls were thinking
seeing the stars of their dreams
that they bought tickets to see
with money they didn’t earn
maybe that this time things could be different
they would get a chance to meet the stars
they would become a famous singer too

well, maybe a famous groupie
that’s probably a more appropriate guess

I thought these people are really being silly
was this what I was supposed to think

Good Things Have Happened to Me Too

My point is that the bad stuff is there,
you can’t get rid of the bad stuff
try to deal with it with a good attitude
or have a temper-tantrum
or take all the bad stuff for as long as you can

how do you deal with that pain
bauling your eyes out can help
but the problem will not get
easier because you cry

there has to be some way
to make yourself just blink
then forget the bad stuff
People for the most part have been
able to do that most of their lives

So I guess the burning question
is to figure out how to make the bad stuff go away
no one has come up with a way to figure out that

If anyone has an idea, let me know. Thanks.

Have You Ever Had

I know when you’re in army training in the
United states you have to be prepared for
doing things like eating bugs, so I know that
some people have emotionally or mentally
prepared for eating bugs in a sandwich

That doesn’t mean that anyone wants to buy
one, and that doesn’t mean that anyone likes the idea
So one Christmas
a friend of mine gave me a bug sandwich

Only because she thought I had quote unquote
everything, but I probably didn’t have a bug sandwich

So it wasn’t technically a real sandwich
it had three plastic bugs inside fake slices of bread

So... If you’re ever wondering what to get someone,
go to a trick shop, get then a bug sandwich
In a strange way, I’m they may like it

Here’s your chance

I just have to take all the crap dished out to me
all the time, and when I wat to let my anger out
no one wants to listen to me

I kept my life a secret for so many years
I have to let out my emotions and disgust with everything
that is so wrong
and no one takes the time to be there for me

They’d rather bitch back instead of
attempt to make any attempts to help
I should get used to it
that’s what the world does
everyone would rather kick me when I’m down
well, I’m down now
this is your chance
go nuts

I have been told all of my life
that I should talk more
and I should get over my problems and that
things will get better when I least expect it

Well, things aren’t better, things are getting worse
no one can help me through this pain or this anger
and no one will let me make my life better
I’m supposed to make a difference and I’m also not
allowed to change a god-damned thing
then this is your chance
and you can do with me what you will

Nobody knows how to live a life nowadays

how I imagine you

I’ve seen you like that before
I’ve thought you were worth
all of that and more

is that silly of me
do I dream too much

do I imagine you
as something better than you are

How many times I’ve done it

I wonder how crazy I’d sound to always ask for help
if someone else will put the pieces together for me
maybe then someone would know
what I go through
and what I think
and maybe people would start to think differently of me
and maybe then people wouldn’t think
i was something better

I’d Laugh More

what will give me a reason to laugh
I’ve been looking for anything

maybe I should just let good things happen
maybe I shouldn’t get so worried
maybe then I’d laugh more

Keep Yourself Occupied

it’s just easier when you have nothing to do
and you instinctively turn to food to
occupy your fingers and your spare time

I drink water more than I did before. Yes.
it just seems to be one of the better choices
out of so many other options of things to
do to keep yourself occupied

Kill Yourself

how do you think of someone who killed themselves
do you think, oh, they were nice,
they cared, I miss them, they killed themselves
will you ever be able to think of them the same way again
would their death be tainted to you by their suicide
how did they get to that point, you ask yourself
how did they get to that point

Make Things Better

I do have some ideas but don’t think that anyone
wants to hear them, so, I’ll can only offer insight

you can be the one that is expected to give bad news
maybe you need help in dealing with this,
maybe just need to be held
because you don’t know what else to do
you don’t understand what they feel
and they don’t underst and what you feel

we can’t know everything about
and understand at the snap of our fingers
But other peope have pain too
maybe their pain could be completely different
we just have to remember that people hurt
maybe they’ll appreciate the effort you make
to try to make things better

Make Us Laugh

remember when we’d go to a bar
and pick a drink, which I liked
to call “the drink of choice”
and we’d order the same drink
but just because we had a different
kind of drink it made us laugh
it gave us something to
talk about

    there are certain people
    that you can treat like a family friend
    you might know them well,
    but sometimes you can’t feel
    comfortable in front of them

that’s what most of my friendships are like

but with you, I can say something stupid
that I thought was silly
and I know every time that it will make you laugh

    do you remember when
    a bunch of us had nothing to do
    and somebody heard one of us
    mention a friend
    and that one of us said,
    “oh, he’s about as much fun as an...”
    well, he said something, but you know
    what he said,
    and we had a good laugh
    over that comment
    now we have to say that line
    and it keeps us laughing and laughing.

remember when you and Doug were waiting
in the line of the cash station
a cop got in line right behind you,
and doug said, “Maybe the cop wants cash”
I think you almost fell over laughing
when he said that

    there are a ton of stories like that
    we had a knack of making stupid jokes
    and laughing and laughing about them

even if it’s just the two of us
if we decide to go into the occasion
with the right attitude
we can say
whatever we want and laugh about it

    we just have to make sure
    that we go into the festival with the right attitude

Does that mean I’m supposed to have the right
attitude with you?
well, I’m just me
and you’re just you
and that seems to work out
just fine with us

    thanks for listening
    And for talking
    And
    remember to keep me laughing.
    because I like that. thanks.

Making Sense Out Of The Insane

I can’t see the silver lining
I see the dripping blood from poorly cut wounds
they haven’t healed, I tell you

that’s modern life, there is no happy ending
look and look, but you can’t find it

making sense out of the insane is pointless
the insane starts to make sense
bottle up all the hate to understand

change all the goals in life
change them all
after a while that has an effect on you
after a while you start to feel like a prisoner
with the life kicked out of you
by a bunch of other prisoners
while the guards are paid to look away
it’s funny how the prisoners get the coin
to pay all the good guys off

When you start to see that
And when you start to feel like that
the line between sanity and insanity is blurred

Men Are Dogs Is True

I know people do not mean what they say
and they don’t think
and they say what they have to
so they can get what they want

I guess the theory that men are dogs is true

My Height Any Longer

well, I’m smarter than you
that much I’m aware of
whether or not you choose to believe it

what bothers me is that I’m female
and I’m almost five feet eleven inches tall
well, I’ve been told more than once from men that I can’t be that tall
because they are five foot ten and I can’t be taller than them

that’s another problem altogether
trying to prove to men that you’re taller than them

but I usually say
“well, I’m wearing flat shoes now and my eyes are clearing your head altogether
so either you aren’t five foot ten, or you doctor told you that
you were that tall because they assume that men
have to be tall and women have to be shorter
so it has to be one of the other. either you’re not that tall
or your doctor was a liar. which is it?

they don’t like that answer either

oh well

so I’m taller. just find me a tall man
and let’s not talk about my height any longer

prepared for the worst

but I never thought about someone close to me
dying, someone I just thought would always be
around, someone that would live to their old age.

I planned on sticking around. before. I proved myself
to all the doctors and the nurses and all the technicians,
and even the cardiologists. they don’t remember me now,
why would they remember me, it’s just me.

I fully prepared myself for the bad news with you, I was
wondering if I would even get the chance to see
the corpse, depending on our timing and when we
got to the hospital. I’m usually not at the hospital while

death is happening. But I knew I’d have to clean up for this
and I’d have to be ready for this and this was something
I might have to be prepared for, in case it happened.
people who never learned how to stop drinking, did they

never learn how to solve their own problems or did they
never wanted to deal with a problem and preferred escapism
How do you prepare yourself for all this? I’m used to
women falling apart at the seams. Is that something

that makes men and women different, or is that
something men and women just learn with time?
I was busy preparing myself for the worst, so I
wouldn’t fall apart when the bad news came

am I supposed to be the strong one and take it all
and be prepared for it? I made this decision
that this was something I had to do and I was
going to have to deal with death personally, maybe

today, maybe later
I got there and there was no bad news, no one was
dead or dying, and everything was normal.
normal in a hospital as far as I can tell. I’m not an

expect on normalcy in hospitals. I’m not an expert
on these things. I visited people and talked a little in the
hospital, and everyone wanted me to talk to prove
to everyone they knew me, well, they wanted me to

talk to prove that I was normal and I was fine.
“And this could happen to you,” I said, “And you have to
want to be better and you have to make yourself better.”
I didn’t know what else I was supposed to say.

I still haven’t entirely dealt with what that day could
have been like if it was someone else’s last day. But I
prepared myself for it. somehow, I was temporarily
prepared, to at least help others. just in case.

Pressure On Me Again

I define my own life
how do I make all the changes
I’m all alone on this one
and have to do these things myself

I have to define my own life
I need to take a magic marker
a big black bold marker
and create the path that defines who I am

I need to make my own choices
and color them in
and make sure that I don’t go past the lines
so it looks like I did a bad job
because no one can put that pressure on me again

Rhode Island Is Neither A Road Nor An Island

you can capitalize anything you want
but I can tell you to “capitalize this baby”
just to be mean, just to be cruel

there’s a reason why I don’t write poetry
and a reason for why I don’t live in Rhode Island
and why I’m mean, and cruel and unjust

it has something to do with capitalizing
people have always been capitalizing on me
and I’m getting tired of being there for everyone

Say It In The First Place

Seasons 1998

Winter fire burns bright
Warmth flows over my brick hearth
Summer fire is shunned

Grandchildren bring joy,
vigor, love, fun, liveliness
With age comes calm, peace, knowledge

Soft loose wrinkled skin,
white coarse bristly chin whiskers
mark the wise woman

Limbs etched against sky,
full white clouds gathered in close
foretell winter’s snow

Slow Painful Death

but you were are liar
and still are one
I was not immune to your violence
you gave me good memories
they are clouded by your anger
rage, insolence, and idiocy

I can not do it this time
I have to write about things that matter to me
I could write about how I
want you to go through a
slow painful death

but you know I think that
and I do not need to go into that at length

Someone Give Me the Answers

my dictionary is older than my schooling
my encyclopedia set is older than I am

I’ve been looking for answers to what
I thought were simple questions and the
people who are supposed to be smart
never have the answers

I don’t know what my excuses or reasons are
but no one has a reason for
the majority of the actions they have

I can’t even finish a sentence with people
and I’m expecting finished sentences and sense
and answers from all of the people I’ve already
lost so much faith in

when I regained consciousness,
I was given the same meal three times a day
I was physically strapped to my bed
the answers haven’t come to me for quite a while
not since my hospital visits
or my school days
or my friendships

someone give me the answers
I don’t know where the answers are
I’ll try to find the answers one day
and if anyone can help me, let me know

Sometimes It’s Not

sometimes that’s enough
sometimes it’s not

sometimes I wish I could
turn back the hands of time
but maybe I might still think
that I could live forever then

we have our hope and our dreams
and usually we don’t think about them
and we try to avoid them

but all those thoughts, well,
they still find a way to manage their way
back into you life like that

Supposed To Be Done

At twenty-eight, I tried to die

At twenty-eight, I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you

I thought even the bones would do

isn’t that how it’s
supposed to be done?

That I Get

yes, I can still dream that you are by my side
and I can dream that there will be a happy ending for me
yes, I suppose I can dream

people keep telling me
that it could be worse, that I’m a lucky girl
and no one can really know
what it is like to wear my shoes
but they try to tell me anyway

I always have to rearrange my plans and ideas
well, at least on the surface I do
maybe this way I’ll be able to keep dreaming
this way the days don’t seem so long

The Answers

that’s what the world is like, you know

just in case you hadn’t figured it out
in case

A While

this I’m sure of

And you can tell me that
you’ve thought of me
and I don’t care to hear your excuses anymore

I thought when someone said they cared
they meant it
and feelings like that
aren’t supposed to change at the drop of a hat

when does it occur to the average man
that there is in fact no feeling there
that maybe there never was feeling there

maybe you don’t get to that last part
you just think, okay, I don’t like this
I’m going to have to end this, maybe she won’t get hurt

Well, in case no one ever told you
women do get hurt

even the strong ones

Know Any Better

so whether or not I feel that way
is irrelevant right now
because I’m supposed to be over you
because I’m supposed to not care

my anger for the lies you told me
that hasn’t gone away, and probably won’t

A Select Few Things

there are a lot of things I want
but right now I can only think of a few things

a select few things

I’ve wanted to know that you are
willing to give me that
that you feel it in the same way I do

there’s only so much teasing a girl can take

and I’m not going to tease you about this
and I’m not going to make any promises
that I don’t promise to keep

because everything I say is a promise to you

it’s a promise to my life
it’s a promise to the future
it’s a promise to love

you better believe in the same things that I believe in
because I don’t like getting my hopes up for nothing
So prove me wrong

Called Me Twice

and they claim to have no beliefs
of a given subject
but they choose not to think about
their beliefs
they choose not to think

but I know what people
think when they think of me

and I know that this one
person says he’s concerned
but my phone isn’t ringing
and yes, he called me once
since I’ve been trapped
in this cage

he hasn’t called me twice

In The Room

It’s Only The Tip

I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel
but I’ve always been afraid to do that
and I’ve always been afraid of looking like a fool

looking like a fool? well, I mean,
having ideas that others don’t agree with

you know what I mean

I haven’t been able to tell you everything
and now I’m afraid that it’s too late
too late for me
and now I’m going to have to live with the knowledge
of what I know

and I’ll have no one to share that knowledge with

I want someone to share that knowledge with me
I want someone to spend their life with me

I know I should have wanted that before
but I’m telling you, at least I’m trying to tell you now

and I’m still afraid to tell all this to you
and this is only the tip of the ice berg
it’s only the tip

Learn To Do That Too

well, you’re a cute guy, you know
and you’ve been judged on that before
I know that’s happened to me too

and maybe you’re something
to pass the time with to me
and maybe I like the attention you give me
maybe I need that, you know

I know we don’t have a lot in common
I know that on many things we disagree
I know that you’d find a lot of my beliefs
well, infuriating

well, maybe you still do

maybe you’ve been able to shut all that off
and like me anyway
maybe that’s what people do
maybe I can learn to do that too Afraid of Telling The Truth do I think about him too much
or should I at all

who do I get my nightmares from?
are the problems from the nightmare people
that should have given me that pain
or do my nightmares come from you

are you the one that gave me that pain
without trying

maybe you were trying
maybe you weren’t

I’ve turned off most of my hopes
I can be afraid of telling the truth
if anyone that can handle it, can quote unquote
“handle it,” well then, it would be me.

it’s irrelevant that I want you
and need you
and play along
because you should take all of my troubles away

I’ll scare you away, I’ll scare you away if I
tell you the truth

Crazy Women Talking: This Much I’ve Learned

People look at men
differently
than they do women

This much I’ve learned

So maybe if I told you what went through my head
and I said it like I was a guy, maybe it wouldn’t be
so bad then

maybe you could handle the news then

Maybe I could tell you there’s this girl I know
and she can’t be strong all the time
and she doesn’t know how to speak sometimes

I could tell you she needs attention
she needs to be helped
but the punch line:
she doesn’t need it from just anyone
she needs that from you

Maybe she wants to cry
but who to anymore?
she has no one
she needs someone
she needs that someone to be you

I could say
some of this doesn’t make sense
some of it just sounds like a crazy woman talking
but sometimes that’s what women are

But crazy or not, man
crazy or not, is it worth it to deal with it?

That’s what I would
That’s what I would0as a man
have to ask you

Isn’t it worth it sometimes?

after I get all of this out,
I could stop acting like a guy
and just be a girl

you would listen
and you would know what to do for me
and maybe then you could
be the guy and take control
and make a decision
so that I don’t have to make all the decisions
because I want you to make some decisions too

Creatures Can Live In Words

Frisbee By The Lake

oh wait, it’s not a frisbee,
it’s an “ultimate disk”
those differences matter to some

I can hear the cars on the expressway
when you live here, you don’t think about the cars
they’re just a background noise

they now sound like a symphony, and it’s music to my ears
there are things that I don’t hate all the time
I have to learn to hate less

Maybe I do like the beach Boys
and maybe I can practice at frisbee
I know, I know, it’s ultimate, not frisbee

maybe the Water Tower ain’t so bad after all
and Navy Pier, I can deal with that too
Give it time
And maybe

I Want More Than That

Is it just me

I haven’t lost hope, but I’m getting close

Makes Me Love To Hate You More

the way I’m saying these things
it makes perfect sense to me
should I spell it out for you
I’m tired of spelling everything out

I am an inpatient little wench
do you think that when I am angry
but still, will my love for you will fade

that is my punishment for what I have been through
my track record I have to value the people around me
you have to know that I care

maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder
maybe it doesn’t
maybe it makes me love to hate you more
maybe my love for you will stay the same

Maybe That Is Enough

And I talked to you today
And I think neither one of us have plans for tonight
And there is a chance your mom will be in town for the holiday

And maybe that means I don’t get to see you for the holiday
I still have to keep reminding myself
There is a chance
I mean something to you
And maybe that is enough

Maybe You Can

and there was so much that I wanted to live
and there was more that I wanted to live with you
I’ve been angry, hurt, confused
I’ve even been smart, smarter than people like to admit
I’ve wanted someone to take charge of life
even though I am strong, even though my head is on my shoulders
we women could use that help every once in a wile

I feel like I’ve lived a hard enough life, in some
respects, and I think it’s my turn to enjoy life
for once, why can’t that happen for me?

2

I’ve gotten good over the years at being a good
liar when I have to be. And no one has to know
when I’m telling the truth.

3

It’s good to know you were worried about me
at least I had that effect on you, at least
I still have power
but I know you’re still with her and I know you’ve
been with other women and I know that you
probably haven’t thought about me
much

I’m sure you weren’t planning to save money and
get a job and well, support me for the rest of
our lives
I didn’t expect that of you and you know,
I didn’t expect that of anyone, for that matter

no, I haven’t expected any answers, even,
I haven’t expected that for years.
But now I want a change
I want someone to know that
I want someone to do something about it
and I don’t think that will come from you

mean to me

how many times are you
going to pull on me

what do you have to give me
what do you expect of me

when I’ve got nothing
what are you supposed
to mean to me

my life changing

and you know now, now that I
think about it, he never knew to ask
and he never knew how to want
and she never knew how to answer
and this was their little world

and this was how they argued
and she was always right
and she always wanted to argue

My Turn

my father is arguing about an insurance bill
with someone over the phone now
this is what I’m reduced to

I’m wondering when it’s going to be my turn
I’m wondering when the bad news for me if going to stop
I’m wondering if there’s any chance I won’t always be
alone

I’m wondering if there’s anyone out there for me
When does it become my turn

Needy Person

I love you
I’m not joking
I wanted to spend my life with you
I wanted you to want that, too.
I’ve wanted to have that life with you
and I’ve never wanted to tell you that
I’ve wanted you to just know
Maybe you’re just used to not thinking about this

you’re tall,
have blonde hair
blue eyes.
you’re not perfect
neither am I
I’ve been able to get past all that with you
are you capable of doing that for me

I’m a needy person sometimes
and you never notice that I need

maybe I work like a giant
and am good at what I do

but maybe sometimes I can’t do it alone
that’s what I need you for

Not For Me Yet

do I remember things a certain way
do I see them the way everyone does

I come with certain ideas, hopes, fears

You started to rub my back today
before a long drive home
I said it out loud
I didn’t want this to end
I was enjoying this too much

I wanted you near me
how should ask for that
I didn’t want to tell you not to go

and nothing was resolved, not for me yet

you’ll always look at life differently
this I know
but I can hope things are different
I can

Suspend My Beliefs

just hearing someone say that all
and mean it
would be enough

I’d be able to suspend my beliefs for a moment

what should I make out of this world that
doesn’t make sense
what should I make out of it

I can hope, I suppose
this whole belief thing
in things you have no proof of
really doesn’t get you anywhere

So what do I want
I want someone to let me not think for a while

someone to come along
excite me, make me feel alive, safe

I’ve wanted you to be a part of my life
for so many years now
I’ve wanted it for so long, never telling you
maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely for you
and maybe I wouldn’t want so much more from you

Telling What you Want And Hearing What You Want

some of the rules seem obvious
but some of them take getting used to

tell a man how to talk to a woman
reading war and peace could be easier

there needs to be a handy guide
to tell you how to deal with others

when someone wants to hear something
is it that hard to tell them what they want?

or is it that traumatic for you to speak
or are you just too scared

The Same For You

maybe my standards
are different from the average

I won’t get married when I want to
at the rate I am going
I may never

I have been told you are a lucky guy
because you get the chance
to hold me and give me attention
and all that other gushy stuff

but you haven’t takeen that chance
that is something I have learned too

you kissed me last night
we made the comical references
of having sex for hours
and we knew we were both
saying it in jest
and nothing ever happened

is that how it is?
well, then, I can deal with that, too

***

I want you to fill in the pieces
and make everything better for me
I want to make all of your problems
go away for you

***

it was
maybe the accident
maybe the lack of a car
maybe the desperate need for attention
from you

I wanted to be held
And you held me more
and hugged me more
was I reading into things
or were you actually thinking of me

there are only so many times
where I got nothing from you

I ask too many questions to you sometimes
because I have to get used to that, you know

Want That Too You Know

I’ve noticed when you speakin passing
well, I noticed the double meaning
and maybe you weren’t trying to
give a double meaning
maybe I’m just too aware

maybe I want something to work
we women want that too, you know

well, someone is

I’ve been thinking about that
really, about you
and how much thinking is too much
and how much is not nearly enough
where do you draw that line

I should be thinking that you don’t want me
I can be used to you not caring

did you change your mind
or lie to me
though I don’t like either option

will we have a happy life together
we were supposed to get married
remember us talking about it?
I’m sure you don’t remember.
I do. I remember

But now you don’t
I’m beginning to understand, to feel it
are you trying to make me feel this way
well, someone is

Well, What About Me

I’ve just wanted to be alive

if I died
they’d cry for a few days and
then they would get
used to the fact that I was gone

yes, I’ve thought too much
I am a perfectionist
and a bitch

you want to make everything better for everyone
keep everyone to be happy, do everything
appease everyone

but what about me?

if I had planned on spending my life with you
would you change

I’m trying to learn
that the beacon isn’t going to
be you anymore, either
I have to draw the time somewhere
I’m tired of giving all the time
and getting nothing in return

Which I Like

and I think about these things

And you know you’re the only person
around here I feel comfortable
talking to, because you listen, you
listen to my ideas, and you talk to me

And you know, I know no one wants
to think, and people would rather
settle for brainless activity

I know this.

Does it mean there’s a reason that
we’re together
I don’t know
I know that
my reason to exist is to make people think
And, as for you, well, it works, which I like

Wrong Attention

sometimes I think when I’m about to sleep
that the extra pillow could be you

as I said, maybe I’m just dying for attention
as I said,omaybe I’ve been looking for
as I said, maybe I’m justothe wrong attention

you will

i’ve had to do this
puzzle thing for years
and I’m good at it

i make you whole

i know it won’t take long
as i said, i’m good at this

you’ll feel good
about it when it’s done

you don’t think
you will, but you will